There has been a great deal of information and articles out there about dysfunctional relationships, obsessions with emotionally unavailable people, co-dependence etc. When you know so well what feels wrong, it may be hard to imagine what feels right. In this article I would like to explore the idea of three major components that need to be in balance in order for a healthy relationship to flourish.
A healthy relationship needs to have 3 major components in order to function: Companionship, Security and Reciprocity. The stronger those components are the stronger and more enjoyable the relationship will be. All the three components are related to one another: good companionship increases reciprocity - if you enjoy spending time with each other, you grow to like one another. Reciprocity increases your sense of security and, of course the more secure you feel in a relationship, the more you can trust each other, the more you will enjoy each other's company.
Companionship includes all the things you and your partner do together and how much you get out of it. Your conversations, activities you do together and even the time you spend together in silence. The more you enjoy the company of each other, the more prosperous your companionship gets. How open can you be with each other when you share your daily experience? How comfortable do you feel about sharing something that bothers you knowing that you will not be judged or misunderstood? This kind of openness is what makes the relationship grow stronger. It builds trust and makes you grow closer to your partner.
Your compatibility is what also builds reciprocity. Don't you love people you can talk to or enjoy hanging out with? Reciprocity is determined by how mutual your feelings are towards one another. The relationship is unlikely to develop and grow harmoniously with someone you really like who doesn't happen to like you the same way and visa versa. In fact, if your feelings are not mutual, though feelings can change on their own, you cant force anyone including yourself to change how you feel. There is nothing more frustrating and pointless than trying to get someone to like you. On the other hand, when someone is trying to get you to like them, it feels yucky.
And, of course, trust is very important in any relationship. When you start sensing that your partner doesn't feel the same way about you, your security in a relationship is the first thing that gets affected. Also, when you feel like the person you're dating is lying to you or is being inauthentic, you're unlikely to trust him/her. Security is not just about trusting your partner, it is about trusting yourself and feeling confident about your relationship. And trust gets stronger after the person you are seeing has proven to you over and over again that he or she is honest and genuine about their intentions.
So, the bottom line is, when you're out there looking for someone, pay attention to those three components. If they are in balance and harmony, you're likely on track and you will develop a healthy relationship with this person. If you feel insecure just because this is who you and it has nothing to do with anyone you meet, you will most likely attract a relationship that will make you feel even more insecure. That's why it is very important to focus on yourself while you're still single. You have no control over when you'll meet your next serious relationship, but you do have control over what to do with yourself and your time in solitude. And if you spend this time getting to know yourself, taking responsibility for your own needs and doing what you love, surely enough someone who will want to get to know you and spend time with you will show up in your life before you know it.
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